What is wrong with me? Why am I giving him another chance?

I need an answer that doesn't go like "'cos he's rich, tall, handsome and (sometimes) he can be funny". 

Maybe I'm a masochist. That's probably it. 

 As a kid I was always taught that 'Western values' would bring degeneracy to our Asian, Muslim and therefore 'pure' culture. This was always brought up in Malay lessons. Now I see how damn stupid that argument was - is - as I'm sure they're still teaching this bullshit at schools. I stumbled upon an article about 'the dark side of Dubai' by Johann Hari (google it) and one issue it discussed was the racism that workers (South Asian, Indian, Indonesian and Filipino among others) faced in Dubai. This led me to find some articles on Saudi racism in general and I found this book extract by Ed Husain who used to be an Islamist but has denounced it after living in Jeddah...here's the bit which horrified me:

After a month in Jeddah I heard from an Asian taxi driver about a Filipino worker who had brought his new bride to live with him in Jeddah. After visiting the Balad shopping district the couple caught a taxi home. Some way through their journey the Saudi driver complained that the car was not working properly and perhaps the man could help push it. The passenger obliged. Within seconds the Saudi driver had sped off with the man’s wife in his car and, months later, there was still no clue as to her whereabouts.

We had heard stories of the abduction of women from taxis by sex-deprived Saudi youths. At a Saudi friend’s wedding at a luxurious hotel in Jeddah, women dared not step out of their hotel rooms and walk to the banqueting hall for fear of abduction by the bodyguards of a Saudi prince who also happened to be staying there.

Why had the veil and segregation not prevented such behaviour? My Saudi acquaintances, many of them university graduates, argued strongly that, on the contrary, it was the veil and other social norms that were responsible for such widespread sexual frustration among Saudi youth.

He writes that his wife, even though dressed modestly in a black abaya and covering her hair with a black scarf, was accosted many times by men and was also subject to obscene catcalls. I'm not saying women should dress in hotpants and a tanktop everyday but obviously covering everything up doesn't seem to work. It only causes more sexual frustration and causes more crimes to be committed by horny men. Disgusting. This is a case wherein Muslim/Middle Eastern values really doesn't trump the so-called impure 'Western values'. 

This brings me back to my mom, who, the other day scolded me for wearing jeggings because they're "too tight". I was pissed off but yielded anyway, changed my pants and huffed dramatically. I can't tell her that men will stare anyway regardless of what you wear. I also can't tell her that I regularly hotpants and a tanktop in the summer in the UK...but that's an issue which I hope never to be discussed with her. 

(I haven't written anything in ages and this post made me realize how rusty my grammar is lol. Twitter's making me so lazy.)

 Time to update re: clarisonic. It's been almost three weeks now and the first 2 and a half weeks have been pretty tough. Lots of pimples everywhere, on the most random parts of my face (where I usually don't get any acne). However, the past few days have been a relief...except for one big cystic pimple on my cheek which is thankfully subsiding for a bit now. Today I noticed my skin was...glowing?? Hopefully it's the Clarisonic doing it's thing. However I've been cutting back from using it once everyday to once every other day (at night). I noticed last week that weirdly, my pores were getting more visible. Which is strange because I never had large/visible pores to begin with (that itself is something to puzzle about seeing how I have oily skin) but yes, my pores seemed to be getting bigger - mostly on the upper half of my face, the forehead and cheeks next to my nose. :/ That's why I cut down my usage since I figured maybe the Clarisonic was a bit too irritating for my skin. I also think I was pressing it too hard so I'm a lot more gentle with it now, just letting it kind of graze on my face. i might get the Delicate brush head next time and see if I can use it everyday. Overall though - my acne's getting (slowly) better and the texture of my skin today I saw seemed better than before. I could still see my pores but they weren't as bad as last week.

 My skin has been acting crazier than usual so decided to splurge on the Clarisonic Plus. Instructions say that you have to charge it for 24 hours first before using it so I did. I was itching to use it though, because o0o0 new toy to play with! Just used it and though I can't see any immediate superficial differences (well duh since I've only used it once), I was kind of blown away by the fact that my moisturiser totally sunk into my face afterwards...usually it just sits on top of my skin for a while, leaving my face feeling and looking like an oil slick. 

 Omg....why am I so poor?!

I know why: US trip, Italy trip, last minute train tickets to London and Birmingham, and my bad budgeting skills. 

Time to call the parents!

 wow! just noticed these lyrics in one of the national's song 'baby, we'll be fine'

I pull off your jeans, and you spill jack and coke in my collar. I melt like a witch, and scream.
what the hell! that's crazy brilliant. and no, don't say it doesn't make sense because in the context of the song it does. i wish matt berninger was my boyfriend. :( too old though. 

listening to the national reminds me of the bit of summer i spent here in edinburgh.... spending quiet alone time with myself, reading in cafes, people watching, i enjoyed it. being solitary can be fun when you're surrounded by people, strangers even. 

i've discovered a new cafe to hang out at and people watch: Peter's Yard. ok so i haven't drank or eaten anything there but the location's fantastic. out in the sun just chilling and looking out for hipsters. so. many. of them. and well apparently the coffee and food's amazing sooo yeah new spot to check out people. 

also OMG saw mr int the other day. wearing a leather jacket lmao. farihin was all "LOL you were so flustered when you saw him lolol". he was walking behind us all along with his ginger friend, the girl who smiled at me in the library. too bad we parted ways as me n f headed to peter's yard for more hipster-watching and presumably mr int n ginger went to library. tut tut, should've went to library. this is good news though: he's here during easter. well not that it's a long break anyway but still, some motivation to go to the library..i need it these days ,have been slacking my ass off. but the sun is out - i can't bear being in the library while people are chilling and messing about outside at the meadows or whatever...

stuff that i hate right now:
1. the male species
2. essays
3. studying
4. work
5. lice
6. insects
7. itching
8. the library

stuff that i love right now:
1. jamie woon
2. james vincent mcmorrow (seeing him on monday night :D)
3. lykke li
4. food
5. being financially secure (at least for now lol)
6. 9gag.com
7. the library

i'm a strange person

Update!!! 'Cos I know all 3 of you who read this blog missed me. 

IM GOING NUTS GUYSSSS NUTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSOSSS

1. GUESS WHAT GUYS? I HAVE HEAD LICE. HAHAHHAAHHAHAHA. Yes, I am laughing because I'm sick of stressing out about it since I found out like 6 hours ago. I have absolutely no idea how I got it. Only head to head contact can help spread lice right? Well idk I don't remember who I've hugged/leaned against/knocked heads with recently really, especially when going out :s this makes me scared to touch heads with anyone ever! Hoho. No wonder my head's been itching like mad since last week. I thought it was just my dry scalp acting up again so I've been using twice as much t-gel shampoo but it wasn't working. So I scratched my head reaaaally hard and out fell a louse! I've never had lice before, even as a kid (dunno whether I got it when I was an infant maybe) so this is all new to me. I'm gonna head out in a few hours when the stores open to find me one of those nitty gritty combs and comb the shit out of my hair and stop those nasty buggers from sucking blood from my brain!!! 
Yes I am going nuts. But the lice is not all. 

2. I AM ITCHY ALL OVER. Okay so for the past like week I've been sleeping on my duvet (which hasn't been washed since it was bought 2 months ago, and it was used by two people in the span of 2 weeks then I stored it in the closet) 'cos well my bedsheet's all messed up and I couldn't afford to buy a new one. Yeah anyway - ever since I've been using the duvet I've gotten these weird rash-like clusters on my thighs. I thought, since they looked like rashes, that they were inded rashes. But no! When I was in bed 6 hours ago trying my best to get some sleep I felt a little tiny pinch on my thigh and I immediately pressed my thumb onto the area where I felt the pinch. I got up and looked underneath at my duvet and saw a couple of bugs - but not bedbugs? These look like little tiny fly-like things. I'm not sure what to make of them? I don't know what they are. I thought they were fleas but then remembered that fleas don't look like they have wings. Or do they? i thought fleas were just like black dotty things? I DONT KNOW. But anyway I stll don't know what it is. I got rid of the duvet and put on my old bedsheet (which has been washed and so is clean, its still messed up tho). FML I am still itchy like on my arms? The itches there are more like...idk mosquito bites. REALLY WHY ARE BUGS EVERYWHERE!!!!!

3. Mr Intellectual aka shy library guy is BACK. Well tbh last night was the second time I've been in the library all semester...so yeah. AND I actually saw him yesterday afternoon as I was walking to my cool cinema lecture on Dogme95 movement - anyway yeah I saw him when I turned a corner but don't think he saw me since he seemed to be having some sort of smile-inducing conversation with some man idk. FYI folks I was going to go to the library ANYWAY since I have an essay due next week which I think I'm going to fail or something lolol cos I've been slacking off like a mother. Anyway yeah, later that night I went to the library, hopeful that he would be there and lo and behold there he was wearing a, what I assume, brand new blue-purple-ish turtleneck and some cream pants which yeah looked pretty sweet on him. Yes, he noticed me. Thank god his seat wasn't facing my direction cos I would've like, crumbled or some shit, he made me very nervous when I noticed he was there. Like, seriously, I couldn't focus on reading Carlyle's essay shiz cos I was too...anxious. And yeah, his friend? That girl I saw him with? Redhead, quite pretty I think, knows I exist. She was heading over to see him at his desk when she passed me by and deliberately turned her head 180degrees (estimated I don't know, I'm not a mathematician) at me with a smile. I looked at her with a 'wtf?' expression and looked at him but his gaze and smile were fixated on her. MEANING he probs told her about me and my embarrassing faux pas. I got very paranoid and self-conscious after that and ugh gahd. Kill me now. 

DId I mention he looked pretty sweet in that turtleneck

4. Texted Romanian last night and he hasn't replied. Swear to god every time I text him on Tuesday night he NEVER replies. Ok thats only happened twice but now it counts as three times. Anxious. Haven't seen him since almost 2 weeks ago? What's his deal man. :( Just adding to my stressballz. I miss his QT/hot-ness. 
(oh god I hope I didn't give him lice...............................................)


Yea I sound like I'm on stimulants. But really. I'm just very very very stressed. I'm itching all over including my head AND MY EARS ???, the two guys I like keep confusing me (library guy's return is not helping tbh though I might be secretly happy he's back...), my skin looks like shit, I haven't slept properly past few days maybe because of all the ITCHING! and I have a lot of work piling up cos I've been slacking for the past couple of weeks. 
I also might go out tomorrow night but I NEED TO GET THAT NIT COMB ARGHHHHHHHH!!!! 
I don't want to give anyone this nasty lice! :((((((((((((((((((((((

This is not a happy post, as you can tell. 

 this boy is testing my patience.